On the Plane to London

You were so well behaved, you slept most of the way curled up on the seat. You are still so tiny. Anyway you have a very loud voice at the moment. Everything is at full volume. We aere having a fairly bumpy approach into London Heathrow and you were passing the time looking out of the window.

'Look at the engine, daddy.'
'Look at the wing daddy.' all very cute then in you excite high pitched voice you said, 'Look at all the SMOKE.'
Everyone in the planr heard and everyone in the plane, well their heart-rate rose a beat per minute or two.

The Wrong Funeral

Thinking back a few years ago, I went to the wrong funeral of one of my friends. Nicky was a girl who fell off a horse and broke her neck, she was 19 years old. Her funeral was very sad. I drove down to Poole with another friend. We did not know her family as Nicky was a friend of Jane's who was at school with her.
So we sat through the very sad funeral, full of young people. After the funeral there was a wake at a local hotel. I called Jane on her mb phone and asked her for directions, Jane was going with the dead girls parents in their car. She said 'follow the big black car.' so I did. A big black car drove pas tus and off we all set. True enough the car pulled up twenty minutes later at a local hotel.
Chris and I went inside and milled around, looking for Jane or anyone we knew. We got a couple of drinks and a plate of food. Chris commented that he did not recinise anyone. I said that it was probaly because so many people actually came to the funeral that the rest of her friends jst came to the wake. What was I thinking?

So a few more minutes ticked by and a man came upto us and asked how we knew Robert. That is when the penny dropped, wrong Funeral party. I called Jane her phoe was off. We had to go back to the crematorium and get them to phone the funeral directors to tell us where the hotel was.
We both got there 2 hours late, it was one of the most embarrassing things I have ever done. Strangly it helped that atmosphere at Nicky's wake. It made people smile.

Your cousin Kirk's Christmas Show

On a much lighter note, your cousin Kirk told his daddy to make sure he was not late for the christmas show at the school. So uncle Kirk was there promptly at 10.30am, today and sat for an hour watching the show with all the other proud parents. Unfortunately uncle Kirk was at the wrong show. He was meant to be there next Wednesday at 10.30am. Uncle Kirk said that the teachers actually had tears of laughter running down their faces.

Divorce

Well your Uncle Kirk and his awful wife Michelle are breaking up. This is a shame as they have two beautiful little boys, Kirk and Ryan.
Michelle announced that she was seeing someone else and has been for the last few months.
Uncle Kirk is Ok as they have had problems for years.
Still it is very sad.

Carbon Free Lifestyle

See the idea here
www.cambrianhouse.com/idea/idea-promoter/ideas-id/2biA9Zo/

Christmas Trip To London

On Saturday we are all off to London for 4 days. Muumy will go shopping and we will visit Hamely's toy store. We are so excited to show you London for the first time.

Uncle Kirk is Depressed

Well, uncle Kirk seems to be fine. He was just a bit down. He is not sleeping rough he is still at home with his boys Ryan and Kirk and his wife Michelle.

I think he has been suffering from a little bit of depression. Lets hope he feels better soon. I have told him to go see a doctor.

Cute Saying

You have a new cute saying 'Last more.'

My Brother

I got a text message today from your uncle Kirk. He is living rough and apparently suicidal. I have tried to contact his wife but without much success. I have called the police in the UK. Lets hope that they find him before he does something stupid.
I love my brother but we argue all the time, always have always will

Swans International School Marbella

We have just enrolled you for the above school. It cost an incredible 2700€. You start next september.
We are very excite to see you go to this school and we are sure you will love it. If we got it wrong....sorry!

Wow they stole her Rolex

You and mummy were witnesses to a robbery. A lady was attacked in the carpark of La Cañada and had her Rolex stolen. She was pushed over and the dragged along the ground until her 15000€ watch came off.

The robbers escaped on a motorbike. Mummy's BP was higher then mine I imagine!

Omron

Lets take my blood pressure with my shiny new BP monitor.........hmmm 148 over 106

Not So good news

Hi Tom

I have a very serious blood pressure problem. My blood pressure is 180/120. This is considered to be a hyper-tension crisis. If the doctors cannot resolve this problem, I will be very prone to a stoke or indeed a heart attack.
The thought of leaving you and mummy just fills me with so much grief. I am sure that I will be fine but just in case,I want you to know how much I love you and mummy.

If anything does happen to me, your mummy will be there to look after you. Mummy just loves you with a completely unconditional love. Let her love you Thomas.

Your Song

Can you here the lonesome Whippoorwill
It sounds to blue to fly
The midnight train is whining by
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Well I've never known a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moons just gone behind a cloud
To hide it's face and cry

Have you ever seen a Robin weep
When leaves begin to fall
That means he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry

Cars by Disney

You my little man are obsessed by the film cars. You have all the models except Frank and the Jeep. Jeep painted with lead paint and withdrawn from sale

Visit to Hospital

Hi Thomas

Last night I had to visit the doctor at the emergency room in the Costa Del SOl hospital near Marbella. My blood pressure has been increasing for a couple of months.
When I got there it was 180/120. This is very high. They gave me an ECG and my heart was fine. The doctor gave me two little pills under my tongue and these little white miracle workers fixed the blood pressure in under a hour.

As as was leaving I saw a woman of about 23 walking towards me. She was with her brother or her boyfriend and laughing at a something he had said. She never made eye contact with me. She looked across the roadn the colour literlay drained from her face. My my gaze followed her.
Standing in a group was a family. They were struck with grief. I turned to look back at the girl. Her hands were at her mouth and tears already were flowing from her eyes. The girls screamed and ran across to her family. It was awful.

They had lost her brother. He was killed on a building site when he fell of a scaffold. He was 28.

Our Weekend

This weekend you and I spent lots of time together we did the following at one point over the weekend

Went to the paseo to have a pain au chocolate at Grat Grat’s (twice)
Sang the wheels on the bus go round and round 500 times. Making up verses that include animals. For example, the dog on the bus goes woof woof woof etc.
Invented a game with your teddy bears and other stuffed animals that involved acting out all your favorite nursery rhymes. You just loved this game and you really did fall about laughing at it. You particularly enjoyed the big bad wolf in the three little pigs and Goldilocks and the three bears.
We went to El court Englais to buy you a pair of pajamas.
You also managed to buy two new cars from the film ‘Cars’.
We walked around the old town for 2 or three hours.
We went to the play park and looked at the frogs in the pond there.
We made an apple and blackberry crumble, using one of Abba’s recipes. It was very good.
We watched the film ‘Cars’ on my computer.
We had two baths
We experienced the kid of nappy disaster that people could make films about.
We went to La Cañada to play in the super bowl. You love it there.
We had ice cream at La Cañada. I ordered a selection of ice-cream that was meant to come in five tiny ice-cream, wafer bowls. They had run out of these little bowls so the sent over 6 portions of ice-cream. You looked like you had won the lottery. We did not eat all of it.
You ate salmon that mummy had cooked. It was delicious
You parked your toy cars in an extremely long line.
In the bath we invented a new story in which you visited Lightning McQueen in Radiator Springs. You stayed at the Cozy Cone Motel and had a flight in the Dinaco helicopter.
We played the spitting game in the bath. This drives mummy crazy. We like it though.
We treated you infected eye 6 times with your special cream (cream is rubbish)
We payed Hide and Seek both at home and at La Cañada. You are just learning and you think if you hide under the glass coffee table etc that nobody can see you.
You got a lot better at Hide and Seek when you had me in a complete panic. You were in the fireplace. Mummy must never know!
We went to the toy shop in Marbella where the toys start at 58€. You love it in there. The toys are really for adults as they are extremely expensive and even more delicate. The owner is Irish and we only see im on Sunday’s, he looks like he is going to cry as you charge around his shop, with me running after you shouting ‘Tom, don’t touch that.’ I told him he should sell tickets. How he laughed (not).

Love Daddy

Poo

Today does down in history. You used your potty to do a poo. You were just so very proud. You were running around the room shouting 'Daddy, come see, I did a big poo on my Potty.'

I love you

I just have to tell you how very much I love you. You bring happiness to me everyday. You make me laugh everyday and you have the power to make me feels so loved. I can make you say 'wow Daddy!' by just showing you a JCB. I love you and mummy so very very much

Daddy

Painful Eye

So you have a stye. It looks so very painful but you are being a little trooper. You do not complain or whine. Mummy is taking you to the doctor today, lets hope it gets better quickly
Love

Daddy

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
* The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
* Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
* Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
* Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
* Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
* The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
* They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
* The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
* The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

How to be Annoying.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
* Wear your pants backwards.
* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Name your dog "Dog".
* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to "interface" with someone.
* Sing along at the opera.
* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
* Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Are you a man?

I was carrying you downstairs from the bath. You stroked my face and felt my stubble.
You looked at e with your big blue eyes and asked 'Daddy are you a man?'

I said that i was indeed a man and that mummy was a lady.

'Daddy, mummy is a woman.'

you are just getting a bit too smart for me!

Love you son

Thomas and The Giant's Castle

The sun rose early in the blue sky. The bright, warm sunlight washed in through Thomas’s bedroom window and woke the little boy up. Thomas was two years and five months old. Thomas lived with his mummy and daddy in a town called Marbella in the south of Spain.

Thomas and his mummy, daddy and their little white dog Penny were all visiting his Mi Ma and his Pi Pa at their beautiful home in Portugal. Mi Ma and Pi Pa lived near a little town called San Bras on the Algarve. The house was set on the side of a little hill and over looked some farmland.

The farm contained a few animal animals, there were four big, brown cows, that lived in a crumbly old barn and there was also a flock of twenty sheep that lived on the hillside. Mostly however the farm grew beautiful, juicy oranges and bitter green olives.

If you were feeling energetic and you climbed all the way to the top of the little hill, you could see the Atlantic ocean, glinting brightly far off in the distance.
Or if you were in the mood you could sit down on the soft green grass, smelling the wild rosemary and thyme on the breeze and spend an hour or so watching the planes landing at Faro airport, each one full of happy holiday makers. Thomas loved watching the big silver planes roaring by, high in the clear, blue sky. Thomas would always wave to the airplanes as they flew over and he wondered if anyone ever waved back.

Thomas jumped up out of bed, yawned and rubbed his eyes. He could hear Pedro the shepherd, calling to the sheep over on the hillside just by the green fig trees. The sheep loved eating the green figs that has fallen from the trees and resting in the cool shade that the very useful trees provided.
Thomas’s daddy also loved eating the green figs and he usually had two or three for breakfast as well as a bowl of cereal and his toast with honey. Mi Ma and Pi Pa would pick some of the ripe figs for daddy when they took Bella and Donna, their dogs for the morning walk.

Bella and Donna were one of the reasons that Thomas just loved visiting his Mi Ma and Pi Pa. Bella was a very energetic, young Portuguese Water Spaniel and Donna was an older, brown dog and she was at least a little part Alsatian. Both of the dogs were at their happiest when they were playing in the warm sunshine with Thomas. The strange thing was that Donna did not get on at all with Penny. No one knew why it was just the way it was.

Pi Pa also had tons of fantastical interesting things that Thomas just loved, Pi Pa had a silver Nissan jeep and he would let Thomas sit in the driver’s seat and pretend to drive it. Pi Pa also had a great big BMW motor bike, that lived in the garage. Once Pi Pa let Thomas sit on the motor bike and he started the big, noisy engine up. Brrrrmm! Brrrmmm! Went the engine. Thomas got quite a fright until he got used to it.

Thomas rushed out of his bedroom at full speed and just stopping for one moment in the kitchen to kiss his Mi Ma good morning, he went and sat down at the big round breakfast table. The breakfast table was on the terrace just by the swimming pool that Thomas would be swimming in later on in the day. The terrace tiles were made from reddish bricks that never got too hot to walk on.

Daddy and mummy came outside to sit at the table, mummy kissed Thomas good morning and Thomas’s daddy gave him a great big, good morning hug.
When Mi Ma and Pi Pa came to join them all at the table, Mi Ma picked up her newspaper and read an article. It was all about the historic castle, that had been standing in the town for seven hundred years.

Mi Ma poured herself a cup of tea and took a sip of the hot liquid, ‘Thomas,’ said Mi Ma, taking another sip of her tea, ‘how would you like to visit the old castle in the town today?’

Well, this got Thomas’s attention. Thomas was very, very interested in castles. In fact, castles were one of Thomas’s favorite things. Thomas knew for instance, that even the most boring castles would have at least a princess held captive in a high tower. Thomas knew that most good castles had at least one dragon down in the dungeon as well as the princess being held in the high tower.
Thomas also knew that some of the better castles would almost certainly have a witch or two running about as well as the princess in the tower and the dragon in the dungeon and Thomas knew that the very best castles in the world had to have the dragon ( a properly fierce one with two heads), the princess (she had to be asleep for at least one hundred years and very beautiful), the witches (green and always turning people into frogs etc) but most importantly the very best castles just had to be built by an enormous giant. Giants always built the the very best type of castles.

‘Yes, please, Mi Ma.’ said Thomas with a big grin spreading over his face. He could already feel the excitement building in him.

So after a breakfast of homemade marmalade (Mi Ma) on home made bread (Pi Pa), Thomas, Mi Ma, Pi Pa, daddy, mummy and Penny all climbed aboard Pi Pa’s silver jeep and set of for the old town of Loulé. Soon they had parked the jeep on the top floor of the multi story car-park and were all headed into the center of the town.

On the way to the castle they had to pass through the indoor market, in here the locals sold all manner of food. There was white, stiff salt cod, huge sword fish and there was bright, locally produced fruit. Mi Ma did nearly all of her shopping in this old market. Thomas was still quite little so daddy lifted him up onto his shoulders. Thomas sat way above the crowd and imagined that he was a giant. Thomas just knew that the castle in would have been built by a giant long ago. He could not wait to get to the castle. Fruit and fish were all very well, but really they could not compete with a real live castle.

Once they had all walked through the market, Thomas could see the castle. It was just huge and made from massive blocks of granite.The towers soared up, up into the blue sky. It looked to Thomas as if the towers finished way above the clouds.

At last they were all at the castle, mummy, penny, Mi, Ma and Pi, Pa all went for a coffee, leaving just daddy and Thomas to explore the giants castle. Hard though it is to believe you actually had to bye a ticket to get into this particular giant’s castle. This did mean that the castle was in fairly good condition. You have to remember that this castle as stood in Loulé for over seven hundred years.

Thomas and daddy clutched their tickets and walked through a huge doorway that lead to an enormous flight of wooden steps. Up they went. At the top of the steps stood a very old witch. ‘TICKETS!’ She yelled in a deep, growly voice that would have actually done a real giant proud. Thomas and daddy handed over the tickets and the ancient witch, who was a little on the green side, she ripped the tickets in half before handing them back to daddy.
‘ ENJOY YOUR VISIT!’ cackled the witch.

‘Thank you.’ Said Thomas and daddy. At the top of the stairs there were two rooms, one to the left and one to the right. You could also walk forwards and outside onto the castle’s ramparts. Thomas and daddy decided to tackle the room to the right first. This was a good choice as the room was in fact the giant’s castle. This giant was particularly fond of baking and had that very morning baked a chocolate cake ( a huge chocolate cake the size of a tractor tyre) and left it to cool in the center of his enormous kitchen table.
‘Daddy,’ asked Thomas ‘what is that delicious smell?’ he said licking his lips. You see Thomas like his daddy (and mummy) just loved chocolate cake.

‘It’s up here on the table.’ Replied daddy. Thomas’s daddy lifted Thomas up so that he could see the cake. The table was so enormous that Thomas could not see the cake from the floor. In fact daddy could only see the cake by jumping up as high as he could a peering over the edge of the table.

‘Daddy, do you think that the price of the ticket includes a tiny bit of that chocolate cake?’ Asked Thomas with a cheeky grin on his face.

‘I would imagine so.’ replied daddy with a similar grin to Thomas’s on his face.

Daddy lifted Thomas up as hi as he could. Thomas scrabbled onto the table. He picked up knife that was lying on the table. The knife was the size of a good sized sword. Thomas swung the knife in the direction of the chocolate cake and cut two portions. He walked over to the edge of the table and looked down at his daddy.

Thomas jumped down into his daddy’s arms. They both sat on the stone floor and ate the chocolate cake with a great deal of satisfaction. It was a fantastic bit of chocolate cake.

After that Thomas and daddy thought that they would explore the room on the left of the staircase. This was a fantastic room. This was the giant’s treasure house. Huge gold coins the size of bicycle wheel lay under glass lids. Valuable books lined all the walls. Thomas knew that one of these books would be the giants spell book. Giants were always using spells to put princess in to deep 100 year long sleeps.

‘Daddy, said Thomas ‘do you think that the price of a ticket includes a couple of these gold coins?’.

‘No,’ said daddy, ‘ I am sure that the price of the ticket does not include a couple of these coins.’ Daddy ruffled Thomas’s blonde hair. They both had a good look at the treasure. The gold coins were accompanied by diamonds the size of tennis balls and rubies the size of golf balls.

‘Daddy, how do you think that the giant got all this treasure?’, asked Tom.

Daddy had a think about it and said ‘ Well Thomas, I imagine that this giant stole all this treasure from an unlucky king. He probably kidnapped the king’s daughter as well. I imagine that we will find her asleep upstairs in one of the towers.’

Thomas digested this information. ‘Daddy, we must save the princess from the giant. If we rescue her, I am sure that the king will reward us with lots of this treasure.’

So it was decided. Daddy put on his bravest face. So did Thomas. They walked back to the staircase, waved hello to the guardian and headed out the door towards the castle ramparts. When they got out side they were standing beside a huge stone tower. Each block of stone was about the size of mummy’s car.

Suddenly Thomas and Daddy heard a long, low and particularly vicious growl. Not a growl like a dog’s growl, not a growl like a lion’s growl. This growl could only belong to one thing. A dragon. A two headed dragon.
Daddy and Thomas stood frozen with fear. They looked at one and other, and started to climb the stone stairs up towards the dragon. As Thomas and his daddy climbed higher up the tower staircase the growling turned into more of a blood curdling roar. That old dragon was obviously guarding the princess at the top of the stairs.

What could Thomas and his daddy do? Thomas and his daddy ran back to the treasure room. They pulled down the most likely looking book and looked up a spell for putting things to sleep. Thomas found one. Thomas read out the spell and before he knew what was happening, his daddy fell to the floor as fast asleep as anyone Thomas had ever seen. Tom quickly looked up the remedy to the spell. Daddy woke up with a sleepy smile, yawned and said, ‘OK. Thomas, lets go fix that old dragon.’

Up and up they climbed. Louder and louder the dragon roared. Thomas peeked around the last corner of the staircase. Sure enough this dragon had two heads. This was an extremely scary dragon. Daddy put his fingers in his ears and Thomas shouted out the spell as loudly as he could. The two headed dragon (the dragon was called Simon) stopped roaring, lay down and went to sleep like a kitten.
Thomas and his daddy had to actually climb over the dragon. It was a cold and scaly dragon and little jets of flame shot from both of its noses as it lay there gently snoring.

On the other side of the dragon was a huge wooden door. It was not locked as no one was ever expected to get past Simon. Thomas and his daddy pushed the door open with all of their strength. The hinges were very rusted and made all most as much noise as Simon had been making.
In the room it was very dark. Thomas went to the window and pulled the curtains open. Thomas’s eyes widened, there outside on a roof no too far away was the giant. The giant was busily building a new part of the castle. He Like all giants was huge. He was more than three times taller than daddy. He was piling stone on top of stone to form a new wall.

Thomas jumped back. Daddy was looking at the princess, she was very beautiful. Her name was etched into a gold bracelet that she had on her wrist. ‘Princess Alana.’

‘Come on Tom, Kiss her,’ said daddy. ‘ I think that the mean old dragon is waking up!’

Now Thomas, like most little boys was not too keen on kissing any girls, especially those little girls that had been asleep for nearly 100 years and could do with a bit of a bath and the use of a tooth brush. But Thomas knew his duty he had after all been read all the fairy stories by mummy and daddy. Thomas leant over the sleeping princess and heroically kissed her on the cheek. Nothing happened!

Simon the dragon was now almost fully awake. He was not too happy about being sent to sleep by a magic spell. He roared from both his mouths and started galloping towards the room containing daddy, Thomas and the still sleeping princess. Fire shot from Simon’s nose just as Thomas’s daddy managed to close the wooden door using all his strength.

Thomas,’ yelled daddy above Simon’s roaring, ‘ you have to kiss her on the lips?
‘No way,’ snarled Thomas, looking a little bit like a two headed dragon himself.

‘Do it, now' shouted daddy, ‘or we will literally be toast.’
So Thomas did. The affect was immediate and surprising. The Princess Alana opened her eyes and seeing Thomas let out a little scream. Simon the dragon turned back into the Princess’s mummy and daddy. The castle witch had turned the king and queen into a two headed dragon called Simon a long time ago. The red statues down stairs in the courtyard turned back into the palace servants and members of the court, the last thing that happened was that the giant stopped working on the castle and started to wonder what on earth was going on in the tall tower. Andrew the giant put down his tools and started to walk towards the tall tower.

Now it is a little known fact that all giants just love to build. The are only bad tempered and mean when they are not allowed to build. Andrew the giant was particularly good at building things. He had started when he was very young, helping his daddy build this very castle. Andrew could build bridges, roads just about anything you could want.
All the witches and all the treasure did not mean that much to Andrew. Most of the treasure gathering had been done by the witches. They just used giants as a shield. I mean everyone always blamed the giants even though the giants spent most of the time busily working away, carving stone or mixing cement.

So when Andrew got to the tall tower he was in a conciliatory mood. He had been looking for an excuse to get rid of the witches and that dragon did keep him awake most nights with it’s insufferable roaring. Andrew had never even seen the princess Alan. He was only little when the witches had cursed the princess and turned the king and the queen into the dragon formally known as Simon. Andrew had just been too busy to sort it all out. That was always the trouble with giants, too much to do.

‘What’s all this noise?’ asked Andrew? Thomas explained how he and his daddy had rescued the princess. Andrew could see how happy the princess and her family were. Andrew felt glad.

‘Listen,’ said Andrew the giant, ‘ I just baked a chocolate cake, why don’t we go into my kitchen and have a slice each and a nice cup of tea?’

‘Good idea,’ said Thomas and his daddy at the same time. Five minutes later, Thomas, his daddy, the king, the queen, the royal princess Alana and Andrew were all munching away on a slice of chocolate cake and sipping tea from enormous mugs. It really was very good cake.
It was soon decided that Andrew would be allowed to carry on working on his castle. He apologized for the behaviour of the castle witches and promised that nothing like that would happen again. Andrew was also appointed as the royal builder and after the king had his third slice of delicious chocolate cake, the royal baker. He was to provide the king and queen with one chocolate cake per week. Andrew was very happy about this as he was sick to death of people running away from him every time they saw him.

The King and Queen then thanked Thomas and his Daddy. The queen told them to pop into the treasure room and help themselves to what ever they wanted. Daddy thought that mummy might like a couple of diamonds the size of gold balls.

It was time to go home. Daddy and Thomas said all their goodbyes to everyone and walked out of the kitchen and back down the enormous wooden staircase.
When they got outside they found Mummy, penny Mi ma and Pi Pa were still sitting in the cafe finishing their coffee and having a chat
‘Hi guys,’ said mummy giving tom a big hug,’ would you like a piece of chocolate cake?’

Thomas and his daddy looked at one and other and started to laugh. ‘No thanks mummy, we have just had some,’ giggled Thomas.

The End

The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “no,” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him and then say “no.”
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum—a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way—even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless—my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I am invincible!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?” I will reply, “This,” and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’s cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, never!” I will say, “Oh well,” and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being, then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

-----

1 in 45000

99942 Apophis (previously known by its provisional designation 2004 MN4) is a near-Earth asteroid that caused a brief period of concern in December 2004 because initial observations indicated a relatively large probability that it would strike the Earth in 2029. Additional observations provided improved predictions that eliminated the possibility of an impact on Earth or the Moon in 2029. However there remained a possibility that during the 2029 close encounter with Earth, Apophis would pass through a "gravitational keyhole", a precise region in space no more than about 400 meters across, that would set up a future impact on April 13, 2036. This possibility kept the asteroid at Level 1 on the Torino impact hazard scale until August 2006. It broke the record for the highest level on the Torino Scale, being, for only a short time, a level 4, before it was lowered.[1]

Additional observations of the trajectory of Apophis revealed the "keyhole" would likely be missed and on August 5, 2006, Apophis was lowered to a Level 0 on the Torino Scale. As of October 19, 2006, the impact probability for April 13, 2036, is estimated at 1 in 45,000. An additional impact date in 2037 has been identified; however, the impact probability for that encounter is 1 in 12.3 million.

Despite the fact that there is no longer any significant probability of an Earth impact, the Planetary Society is offering $50,000 in prize awards for a few of the best plans to put a tracking device on or near the asteroid.[2]

All True

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. ~Franklin P. Jones

A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. ~Author Unknown

A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. ~Author Unknown

Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. ~Harold Hulbert

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. ~Bill Vaughan

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn't music. ~William Stafford

Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. ~John W. Whitehead, The Stealing of America, 1983

Children are one third of our population and all of our future. ~Select Panel for the Promotion of Child Health, 1981

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~Fran Lebowitz

You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762

In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~Thomas Szasz

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. ~Franklin P. Jones

Children make you want to start life over. ~Muhammad Ali

Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it. ~Not Your Average Dictionary

I am fond of children - except boys. ~Lewis Carroll

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. ~George Bernard Shaw

Like fruit, children are sweetest just before they turn bad. ~Dena Groquet

There was never a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. ~Author Unknown

A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice - especially when she's taking a nap. ~Author Unknown

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children. ~Robert Benchley

The prime purpose of being four is to enjoy being four - of secondary importance is to prepare for being five. ~Jim Trelease, The Read-Aloud Handbook,

Youth is a perpetual intoxication; it is a fever of the mind. ~François Duc de la Rochefoucauld

Little girls are cute and small only to adults. To one another they are not cute. They are life-sized. ~Margaret Atwood

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

What is a home without children? Quiet. ~Henny Youngman

It is not easy to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and few accomplish it after the age of six. ~John W. Gardner and Francesca Gardner Reese

There are only two things a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and his mother's age. ~Benjamin Spock, Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945

Do your kids a favor - don't have any. ~Robert Orben

Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. ~Giacomo Leopardi, Zibaldone Scelto

Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969

Our genes make us immortal. ~The Secret of Life, PBS

Women gather together to wear silly hats, eat dainty food, and forget how unresponsive their husbands are. Men gather to talk sports, eat heavy food, and forget how demanding their wives are. Only where children gather is there any real chance of fun. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. ~Phyllis Diller

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. ~Robert Gallagher

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime. ~Red Skelton

The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child. ~Joe Houldsworth

There's nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child. ~Frank A. Clark

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ~Edgar W. Howe

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. ~Joan Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957

Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they'll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. ~Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million. ~Walt Streightiff

Beware of the Dog

Roald Dahl (1916-1990)

DOWN below there was only a vast white undulating sea of cloud. Above there was the sun, and the sun was white like the clouds, because it is never yellow when one looks at it from high in the air.

He was still flying the Spitfire. His right hand was on the stick, and he was working the rudder bar with his left leg alone. It was quite easy. The machine was flying well, and he knew what he was doing.

Everything is fine, he thought. I'm doing all right. I'm doing nicely. I know my way home. I'll be there in half an hour. When I land I shall taxi in and switch off my engine and I shall say, help me to get out, will you. I shall make my voice sound ordinary and natural and none of them will take any notice. Then I shall say, someone help me to get out. I can't do it alone because I've lost one of my legs. They'll all laugh and think that I'm joking, and I shall say, all right, come and have a look, you unbelieving bastards. Then Yorky will climb up onto the wing and look inside. He'll probably be sick because of all the blood and the mess. I shall laugh and say, for God's sake, help me out.

He glanced down again at his right leg. There was not much of it left. The cannon shell had taken him on the thigh, just above the knee, and now there was nothing but a great mess and a lot of blood. But there was no pain. When he looked down, he felt as though he were seeing something that did not belong to him. It had nothing to do with him. It was just a mess which happened to be there in the cockpit; something strange and unusual and rather interesting. It was like finding a dead cat on the sofa.

He really felt fine, and because he still felt fine, he felt excited and unafraid.

I won't even bother to call up on the radio for the blood wagon, he thought. It isn't necessary. And when I land I'll sit there quite normally and say, some of you fellows come and help me out, will you, because I've lost one of my legs. That will be funny. I'll laugh a little while I'm saying it; I'll say it calmly and slowly, and they'll think I'm joking. When Yorky comes up onto the wing and gets sick, I'll say, Yorky, you old son of a bitch, have you fixed my car yet? Then when I get out I'll make my report and later I'll go up to London. I'll take that half bottle of whisky with me and I'll give it to Bluey. We'll sit in her room and drink it. I'll get the water out of the bathroom tap. I won't say much until it's time to go to bed, then Ill say, Bluey, I've got a surprise for you. I lost a leg today. But I don't mind so long as you don't. It doesn't even hurt. We'll go everywhere in cars. I always hated walking, except when I walked down the street of the coppersmiths in Bagdad, but I could go in a rickshaw. I could go home and chop wood, but the head always flies off the ax. Hot water, that's what it needs; put it in the bath and make the handle swell. I chopped lots of wood last time I went home, and I put the ax in the bath. . . .

Then he saw the sun shining on the engine cowling of his machine. He saw the rivets in the metal, and he remembered where he was. He realized that he was no longer feeling good; that he was sick and giddy. His head kept falling forward onto his chest because his neck seemed no longer to have any strength. But he knew that he was flying the Spitfire, and he could feel the handle of the stick between the fingers of his right hand.

I'm going to pass out, he thought. Any moment now I'm going to pass out.

He looked at his altimeter. Twenty-one thousand. To test himself he tried to read the hundreds as well as the thousands. Twenty-one thousand and what? As he looked the dial became blurred, and he could not even see the needle. He knew then that he must bail out; that there was not a second to lose, otherwise he would become unconscious. Quickly, frantically, he tried to slide back the hood with his left hand, but he had not the strength. For a second he took his right hand off the stick, and with both hands he managed to push the hood back. The rush of cold air on his face seemed to help. He had a moment of great clearness, and his actions became orderly and precise. That is what happens with a good pilot. He took some quick deep breaths from his oxygen mask, and as he did so, he looked out over the side of the cockpit. Down below there was only a vast white sea of cloud, and he realized that he did not know where he was.

It'll be the Channel, he thought. I'm sure to fall in the drink.

He throttled back, pulled off his helmet, undid his straps, and pushed the stick hard over to the left. The Spitfire dripped its port wing, and turned smoothly over onto its back. The pilot fell out.

As he fell he opened his eyes, because he knew that he must not pass out before he had pulled the cord. On one side he saw the sun; on the other he saw the whiteness of the clouds, and as he fell, as he somersaulted in the air, the white clouds chased the sun and the sun chased the clouds. They chased each other in a small circle; they ran faster and faster, and there was the sun and the clouds and the clouds and the sun, and the clouds came nearer until suddenly there was no longer any sun, but only a great whiteness. The whole world was white, and there was nothing in it. It was so white that sometimes it looked black, and after a time it was either white or black, but mostly it was white. He watched it as it turned from white to black, and then back to white again, and the white stayed for a long time, but the black lasted only for a few seconds. He got into the habit of going to sleep during the white periods, and of waking up just in time to see the world when it was black. But the black was very quick. Sometimes it was only a flash, like someone switching off the light, and switching it on again at once, and so whenever it was white, he dozed off.

One day, when it was white, he put out a hand and he touched something. He took it between his fingers and crumpled it. For a time he lay there, idly letting the tips of his fingers play with the thing which they had touched. Then slowly he opened his eyes, looked down at his hand, and saw that he was holding something which was white. It was the edge of a sheet. He knew it was a sheet because he could see the texture of the material and the stitchings on the hem. He screwed up his eyes, and opened them again quickly. This time he saw the room. He saw the bed in which he was lying; he saw the grey walls and the door and the green curtains over the window. There were some roses on the table by his bed.

Then he saw the basin on the table near the roses. It was a white enamel basin, and beside it there was a small medicine glass.

This is a hospital, he thought. I am in a hospital. But he could remember nothing. He lay back on his pillow, looking at the ceiling and wondering what had happened. He was gazing at the smooth greyness of the ceiling which was so clean and gray, and then suddenly he saw a fly walking upon it. The sight of this fly, the suddenness of seeing this small black speck on a sea of gray, brushed the surface of his brain, and quickly, in that second, he remembered everything. He remembered the Spitfire and he remembered the altimeter showing twenty-one thousand feet. He remembered the pushing back of the hood with both hands, and he remembered the bailing out. He remembered his leg.

It seemed all right now. He looked down at the end of the bed, but he could not tell. He put one hand underneath the bedclothes and felt for his knees. He found one of them, but when he felt for the other, his hand touched something which was soft and covered in bandages.

Just then the door opened and a nurse came in.

"Hello," she said. "So you've waked up at last."

She was not good-looking, but she was large and clean. She was between thirty and forty and she had fair hair. More than that he did not notice.

"Where am I?"

"You're a lucky fellow. You landed in a wood near the beach. You're in Brighton. They brought you in two days ago, and now you're all fixed up. You look fine."

"I've lost a leg," he said.

"That's nothing. We'll get you another one. Now you must go to sleep. The doctor will be coming to see you in about an hour." She picked up the basin and the medicine glass and went out.

But he did not sleep. He wanted to keep his eyes open because he was frightened that if he shut them again everything would go away. He lay looking at the ceiling. The fly was still there. It was very energetic. It would run forward very fast for a few inches, then it would stop. Then it would run forward again, stop, run forward, stop, and every now and then it would take off and buzz around viciously in small circles. It always landed back in the same place on the ceiling and started running and stopping all over again. He watched it for so long that after a while it was no longer a fly, but only a black speck upon a sea of gray, and he was still watching it when the nurse opened the door, and stood aside while the doctor came in. He was an Army doctor, a major, and he had some last war ribbons on his chest. He was bald and small, but he had a cheerful face and kind eyes.

"Well, well," he said. "So you've decided to wake up at last. How are you feeling?"

"I feel all right."

"That's the stuff. You'll be up and about in no time."

The doctor took his wrist to feel his pulse.

"By the way," he said, "some of the lads from your squadron were ringing up and asking about you. They wanted to come along and see you, but I said that they'd better wait a day or two. Told them you were all right, and that they could come and see you a little later on. Just lie quiet and take it easy for a bit. Got something to read?" He glanced at the table with the roses. "No. Well, nurse will look after you. She'll get you anything you want." With that he waved his hand and went out, followed by the large clean nurse.

When they had gone, he lay back and looked at the ceiling again. The fly was still there and as he lay watching it he heard the noise of an airplane in the distance. He lay listening to the sound of its engines. It was a long way away. I wonder what it is, he thought. Let me see if I can place it. Suddenly he jerked his head sharply to one side. Anyone who has been bombed can tell the noise of a Junkers 88. They can tell most other German bombers for that matter, but especially a Junkers 88. The engines seem to sing a duet. There is a deep vibrating bass voice and with it there is a high pitched tenor. It is the singing of the tenor which makes the sound of a JU-88 something which one cannot mistake.

He lay listening to the noise, and he felt quite certain about what it was. But where were the sirens, and where the guns? That German pilot certainly had a nerve coming near Brighton alone in daylight.

The aircraft was always far away, and soon the noise faded away into the distance. Later on there was another. This one, too, was far away, but there was the same deep undulating bass and the high singing tenor, and there was no mistaking it. He had heard that noise every day during the battle.

He was puzzled. There was a bell on the table by the bed. He reached out his hand and rang it. He heard the noise of footsteps down the corridor, and the nurse came in.

"Nurse, what were those airplanes?"

"I'm sure I don't know. I didn't hear them. Probably fighters or bombers. I expect they were returning from France. Why, what's the matter?"

"They were JU-88's. I'm sure they were JU-88's. I know the sound of the engines. There were two of them. What were they doing over here?"

The nurse came up to the side of his bed and began to straighten out the sheets and tuck them in under the mattress.

"Gracious me, what things you imagine. You mustn't worry about a thing like that. Would you like me to get you something to read?"

"No, thank you."

She patted his pillow and brushed back the hair from his forehead with her hand.

"They never come over in daylight any longer. You know that. They were probably Lancasters or Flying Fortresses."

"Nurse."

"Yes."

"Could I have a cigarette?"

"Why certainly you can."

She went out and came back almost at once with a packet of Players and some matches. She handed one to him and when he had put it in his mouth, she struck a match and lit it.

"If you want me again," she said, "just ring the bell," and she went out.

Once toward evening he heard the noise of another aircraft. It was far away, but even so he knew that it was a single-engined machine. But he could not place it. It was going fast; he could tell that. But it wasn't a Spit, and it wasn't a Hurricane. It did not sound like an American engine either. They make more noise. He did not know what it was, and it worried him greatly. Perhaps I am very ill, he thought. Perhaps I am imagining things. Perhaps I am a little delirious. I simply do not know what to think.

That evening the nurse came in with a basin of hot water and began to wash him.

"Well," she said, "I hope you don't still think that we're being bombed."

She had taken off his pajama top and was soaping his right arm with a flannel. He did not answer.

She rinsed the flannel in the water, rubbed more soap on it, and began to wash his chest.

"You're looking fine this evening," she said. "They operated on you as soon as you came in. They did a marvelous job. You'll be all right. I've got a brother in the RAF," she added. "Flying bombers."

He said, "I went to school in Brighton."

She looked up quickly. "Well, that's fine," she said. "I expect you'll know some people in the town."

"Yes," he said, "I know quite a few."

She had finished washing his chest and arms, and now she turned back the bedclothes, so that his left leg was uncovered. She did it in such a way that his bandaged stump remained under the sheets. She undid the cord of his pajama trousers and took them off. There was no trouble because they had cut off the right trouser leg, so that it could not interfere with the bandages. She began to wash his left leg and the rest of his body. This was the first time he had had a bed bath, and he was embarrassed. She laid a towel under his leg, and she was washing his foot with the flannel. She said, "This wretched soap won't lather at all. It's the water. It's as hard as nails."

He said, "None of the soap is very good now and, of course, with hard water it's hopeless." As he said it he remembered something. He remembered the baths which he used to take at school in Brighton, in the long stone-floored bathroom which had four baths in a room. He remembered how the water was so soft that you had to take a shower afterwards to get all the soap off your body, and he remembered how the foam used to float on the surface of the water, so that you could not see your legs underneath. He remembered that sometimes they were given calcium tablets because the school doctor used to say that soft water was bad for the teeth.

"In Brighton," he said, "the water isn't . . ."

He did not finish the sentence. Something had occurred to him; something so fantastic and absurd that for a moment he felt like telling the nurse about it and having a good laugh.

She looked up. "The water isn't what?" she said.

"Nothing," he answered. "I was dreaming.

She rinsed the flannel in the basin, wiped the soap off his leg, and dried him with a towel.

"It's nice to be washed," he said. "I feel better." He was feeling his face with his hands. "I need a shave."

"We'll do that tomorrow," she said. "Perhaps you can do it yourself then."

That night he could not sleep. He lay awake thinking of the Junkers 88's and of the hardness of the water. He could think of nothing else. They were JU-88's, he said to himself. I know they were. And yet it is not possible, because they would not be flying around so low over here in broad daylight. I know that it is true, and yet I know that it is impossible. Perhaps I am ill. Perhaps I am behaving like a fool and do not know what I am doing or saying. Perhaps I am delirious. For a long time he lay awake thinking these things, and once he sat up in bed and said aloud, "I will prove that I am not crazy. I will make a little speech about something complicated and intellectual. I will talk about what to do with Germany after the war." But before he had time to begin, he was asleep.

He woke just as the first light of day was showing through the slit in the curtains over the window. The room was still dark, but he could tell that it was already beginning to get light outside. He lay looking at the grey light which was showing through the slit in the curtain, and as he lay there he remembered the day before. He remembered the Junkers 88's and the hardness of the water; he remembered the large pleasant nurse and the kind doctor, and now the small grain of doubt took root in his mind and it began to grow.

He looked around the room. The nurse had taken the roses out the night before, and there was nothing except the table with a packet of cigarettes, a box of matches and an ash tray. Otherwise, it was bare. It was no longer warm or friendly. It was not even comfortable. It was cold and empty and very quiet.

Slowly the grain of doubt grew, and with it came fear, a light, dancing fear that warned but did not frighten; the kind of fear that one gets not because one is afraid, but because one feels that there is something wrong. Quickly the doubt and the fear grew so that he became restless and angry, and when he touched his forehead with his hand, he found that it was damp with sweat. He knew then that he must do something; that he must find some way of proving to himself that he was either right or wrong, and he looked up and saw again the window and the green curtains. From where he lay, that window was right in front of him, but it was fully ten yards away. Somehow he must reach it and look out. The idea became an obsession with him, and soon he could think of nothing except the window. But what about his leg? He put his hand underneath the bedclothes and felt the thick bandaged stump which was all that was left on the right-hand side. It seemed all right. It didn't hurt. But it would not be easy.

He sat up. Then he pushed the bedclothes aside and put his left leg on the floor. Slowly, carefully, he swung his body over until he had both hands on the floor as well; and then he was out of bed, kneeling on the carpet. He looked at the stump. It was very short and thick, covered with bandages. It was beginning to hurt and he could feel it throbbing. He wanted to collapse, lie down on the carpet and do nothing, but he knew that he must go on.

With two arms and one leg, he crawled over towards the window. He would reach forward as far as he could with his arms, then he would give a little jump and slide his left leg along after them. Each time he did, it jarred his wound so that he gave a soft grunt of pain, but he continued to crawl across the floor on two hands and one knee. When he got to the window he reached up, and one at a time he placed both hands on the sill. Slowly he raised himself up until he was standing on his left leg. Then quickly he pushed aside the curtains and looked out.

He saw a small house with a gray tiled roof standing alone beside a narrow lane, and immediately behind it there was a plowed field. In front of the house there was an untidy garden, and there was a green hedge separating the garden from the lane. He was looking at the hedge when he saw the sign. It was just a piece of board nailed to the top of a short pole, and because the hedge had not been trimmed for a long time, the branches had grown out around the sign so that it seemed almost as though it had been placed in the middle of the hedge. There was something written on the board with white paint, and he pressed his head against the glass of the window, trying to read what it said. The first letter was a G, he could see that. The second was an A, and the third was an R. One after another he managed to see what the letters were. There were three words, and slowly he spelled the letters out aloud to himself as he managed to read them. G-A-R-D-E A-U C-H-I-E-N. Garde au chien. That is what it said.

He stood there balancing on one leg and holding tightly to the edges of the window sill with his hands, staring at the sign and at the whitewashed lettering of the words. For a moment he could think of nothing at all. He stood there looking at the sign, repeating the words over and over to himself, and then slowly he began to realize the full meaning of the thing. He looked up at the cottage and at the plowed field. He looked at the small orchard on the left of the cottage and he looked at the green countryside beyond. "So this is France," he said. "I am France."

Now the throbbing in his right thigh was very great. It felt as though someone was pounding the end of his stump with a hammer, and suddenly the pain became so intense that it affected his head and for a moment he thought he was going to fall. Quickly he knelt down again, crawled back to the bed and hoisted himself in. He pulled the bedclothes over himself and lay back on the pillow, exhausted. He could still think of nothing at all except the small sign by the hedge, and the plowed field and the orchard. It was the words on the sign that he could not forget.

It was some time before the nurse came in. She came carrying a basin of hot water and she said, "Good morning, how are you today?"

He said, "Good morning, nurse."

The pain was still great under the bandages, but he did not wish to tell this woman anything. He looked at her as she busied herself with getting the washing things ready. He looked at her more carefully now. Her hair was very fair. She was tall and big-boned, and her face seemed pleasant. But there was something a little uneasy about her eyes. They were never still. They never looked at anything for more than a moment and they moved too quickly from one place to another in the room. There was something about her movements also. They were too sharp and nervous to go well with the casual manner in which she spoke.

She set down the basin, took off his pajama top and began to wash him.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yes."

"Good," she said. She was washing his arms and his chest.

"I believe there's someone coming down to see you from the Air Ministry after breakfast," she went on. "They want a report or something. I expect you know all about it. How you got shot down and all that. I won't let him stay long, so don't worry."

He did not answer. She finished washing him, and gave him a toothbrush and some tooth powder. He brushed his teeth, rinsed his mouth and spat the water out into the basin.

Later she brought him his breakfast on a tray, but he did not want to eat. He was still feeling weak and sick, and he wished only to lie still and think about what had happened. And there was a sentence running through his head. It was a sentence which Johnny, the Intelligence Officer of his squadron, always repeated to the pilots every day before they went out. He could see Johnny now, leaning against the wall of the dispersal hut with his pipe in his hand, saying, "And if they get you, don't forget, just your name, rank and number. Nothing else. For God's sake, say nothing else."

"There you are," she said as she put the tray on his lap. "I've got you an egg. Can you manage all right?"

"Yes."

She stood beside the bed. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Yes."

"Good. If you want another egg I might be able to get you one."

"This is all right."

"Well, just ring the bell if you want any more." And she went out.

He had just finished eating, when the nurse came in again.

She said, "Wing Commander Roberts is here. I've told him that he can only stay for a few minutes."

She beckoned with her hand and the Wing Commander came in.

"Sorry to bother you like this," he said.

He was an ordinary RAF officer, dressed in a uniform which was a little shabby, and he wore wings and a DFC. He was fairly tall and thin with plenty of black hair. His teeth, which were irregular and widely spaced, stuck out a little even when he closed his mouth. As he spoke he took a printed form and a pencil from his pocket, and he pulled up a chair and sat down.

"How are you feeling?"

There was no answer.

"Tough luck about your leg. I know how you feel. I hear you put up a fine show before they got you."

The man in the bed was lying quite still, watching the man in the chair.

The man in the chair said, "Well, let's get this stuff over. I'm afraid you'll have to answer a few questions so that I can fill in this combat report. Let me see now, first of all, what was your squadron?"

The man in the bed did not move. He looked straight at the Wing Commander and he said, "My name is Peter Williamson. My rank is Squadron Leader and my number is nine seven two four five seven."

Cooling Drinks for Picnics

Cooling Drinks for Picnics

Need to cool drinks for a large group really fast? Here are a few instructions anyone can follow with what is generally at hand.

Generally cooling drinks for picnics by putting them in ice takes well over an hour. But there is a way to cool drinks like soda and beer in minutes, less than two minutes in fact if the proper mixture of ice, water and salt are used.

Take a container that is large enough to put in ice about ten inches deep. I like a five gallon plastic bucket for this. The container need only be as big as is needed to put some of the drinks in, they can be replaced as they cool. Add a half pound of salt for each ten pounds of ice in a five gallon bucket about fifteen pounds of ice, a pound of salt and about a gallon of water is a good mixture.

Add water so that the ice and salt to make an ice, salt and water mixture. Stir it but DO NOT STIR IT WITH YOUR HANDS or PUT YOUR HANDS IN IT. Ice water is 32 degrees but this brine mixture will hit about 12 degrees almost immediately. Immerse the cans in the mixture. They will cool very quickly and in fact if you let them in too long the beverage will actually freeze on the inside of the can.

If you take the cans out after a few minutes you can put them on ice to keep them cool and use the cold mixture to cool more cans.

Quotes

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Isaac Asimov

Tips and Hints

Eat cheap tuna. More expensive canned albacore "white" tuna has been found to contain as much as three times the mercury of canned "light" tuna.

Zlartinepole The Dragon

Zlartinpole was a dragon who lived in the forest near the land of Slodinbob.

Everyone in Slodinbob was afraid of Zlartinpole. They were afraid of his big green scales, of his long spiky tail, and they were especially afraid of the fire he breathed out of his two round nostrils.

The fire came out in three colors -- RED, PURPLE, and BLUE.....and it was very hot!

Now in reality, Zlartinpole only breathed fire when he got scared or sneezed, but everyone thought he did it to try and burn Slodinbob to a crisp.

As a matter of fact, everyone was so scared of Zlartinpole that one evening, a group of townspeople got together and went to see the King and Queen of Slodinbob. They wanted to demand that something be done to rid the land of the dreaded dragon.

King Mercer was a kind man, and he and his wife, Queen Melinda agreed to meet with them.

The leader of the group, a young man named Harold, spoke first. "Great King Mercer, we are afraid for our lives! That horrible dragon lurks near our homes, and threatens to burn them all down!" Priscilla, the pleasant woman who ran the food market, spoke next. "Everything we have worked our whole lives for could be destroyed in an instant if that horrible dragon continues to live here!", she said worriedly.

Everyone in the group shouted in agreement. "Yes!" they all shouted at once. "We must rid Slodinbob of the dragon!"

King Mercer spoke slowly in his deep, rumbling voice. "I understand that you are all afraid of the dragon. Queen Melinda and I shall discuss what should be done. We will invite you all back to a meeting once we make our decision."

Queen Melinda, dressed in her glistening jewels and elegant robes nodded in agreement with her husband. "We will not keep you waiting for long, because we too are worried about what damage this horrible dragon might cause." The townspeople seemed satisfied, and went on their way.

Once they left the castle, Queen Melinda turned to King Mercer and asked, "Have you seen Princess Marigold this afternoon? I have not seen her since lunchtime, and I am beginning to get rather worried." "No," said the king, "and I am very worried about her as well." Princess Marigold was the only child of King Mercer and Queen Melinda. They loved her dearly, but also worried about her constantly because she was always running off and getting lost in the forest.

This time, young Marigold was romping through the forest near Slodinbob. She ran and leapt. She frolicked and pranced, her long, amber hair swaying with every move. Princess Marigold was having so much fun she did not realize how late it was.

"Oh dear," she said to herself, "I must get back to the castle. Mother and Father must be getting very worried about me." She looked around and realized it was too dark to find her way back. Frightened, Princess Marigold put her head in her hands and started to cry.

"Pardon me" someone with a very gruff voice asked. "Are you lost? Do you need help?"

Princess Marigold looked up to find herself staring face to face with Zlartinpole the dragon, who had bent his long neck down to face her.

When Marigold realized she was looking at a dragon, she jumped and let out a loud scream! Turning to quickly run away, the Princess Marigold accidentally tripped and fell backwards, landing right smack in the fold of Zlartinpole's right wing, which gently scooped her up as she fell, carefully settling her on top of his back.

"I hope my scales are not too rough for you," Zlartinpole the Dragon apologized. "But it is much too late for you to be out all alone. Strangers could be about, you know. I'll see you home safely. No one will trouble a Princess under the care of a dragon."

Princess Marigold was still a bit afraid of this fire-breathing dragon whom everyone said was going to be a big problem for the land of Slodinbob.

"Are you the dragon that is going to burn everyone's homes down?" she asked in a very frightened little voice.

"Goodness gracious me!" exclaimed a startled Zlartinpole, "What a thought!". "Absolutely not," he replied firmly. "I would never try to hurt anyone or anything."

"Then why is everyone so afraid of you?" Princess Marigold inquired curiously.

"They just don't know me very well, and one should never try to judge a book by its cover. Now then, no more questions -- we'd best get you home." With that, Zlartinpole flew into the air with Princess Marigold's arms wrapped tightly around his neck. "Wheee!", Princess Marigold squealed with delight. "This is so much fun!"

Shortly afterwards, Zlartinpole and Princess Marigold landed in front of the great castle. When the two knights guarding the castle gate saw the dragon, they quickly drew their swords. Princess Marigold was afraid that the men would try and hurt Zlartinpole. Instead, the knights dropped their weapons, and ran inside.

"I wish everyone wouldn't be so afraid of you," Princess Marigold began. "I'm going to go to my parents and tell them what a wonderful, kind dragon you are."

Zlartinpole wiped away the big sad tear drop that fell onto his protruding nose. "Thank you so much", he said sincerely. "I hope that when the King and Queen find out I helped you, that they will tell the people of Slodinbob that there is no reason to be afraid of me."

Princess Marigold waved good-bye as Zlartinpole flapped his gigantic wings and flew back to his home in the forest. As soon as he was out of sight, Princess Marigold ran to find her parents in the castle.

When she found them, they were sitting on their golden thrones looking very angry. "Young lady," her father started, his voice bellowing with anger, "just what did you think you were doing, accepting a ride from a dangerous dragon?" "He's not dangerous. He helped me, because I was lost, and....... " the princess began.

"That's enough Marigold!" Queen Melinda interrupted in a stern voice. "These courageous knights told us that the dragon was about to attack the castle! They told us that the dragon was holding you captive and they had to hurry before it did something terrible to you! They said they had to hurry to alert the other knights because they had no chance of fighting such a large and violent beast on their own!"

Princess Marigold looked very shocked. "But he wasn't holding me captive", she tried to explain. "I didn't know where I was and he....."

"Silence!" her father yelled loudly, interrupting her. "You will no longer go wandering about wherever and whenever you please. Go to your room immediately."

At that very moment one of the royal knights ran into the room. "Your Majesties," he said as he bowed to both the King and Queen, "the beast is gone. But we will find where he is hiding. Once we do, Slodinbob will no longer be terrorized."

"Go to the forest at once!" King Mercer commanded in a louder voice than usual. "Comb through every tree, every hill, every valley. Find the dragon, and bring back the beast's head!"

Princess Marigold was on her way to her room when she heard her father's command. "I must go to the forest and warn Zlartinpole, before Father's knights find him," she said to herself. She quietly sneaked out of a secret exit behind the stairway that led upstairs to her room. She ran as fast as she could, past the town hall, past the marketplace, past the schoolhouse. When trees and green surrounded Princess Marigold, she knew she had found the forest. But where was Zlartinpole?

She looked up at the tops of the tall trees, but saw nothing but leaves. Was he behind a large rock? Perhaps he was at the bank of the stream, having a sip of water.

Suddenly, she heard a loud roar and the air was filled with smoke. Turning around, she saw Zlartinpole, looking very embarrassed, as came out from behind a berry bush.

"I'm sorry if I frightened you, Princess Marigold," he said. "But I was smelling some beautiful flowers, and I'm afraid they made me sneeze."

Princess Marigold wrapped her arms as far around Zlartinpole as they would stretch. "I am so glad to see you," she said. "But I came here to warn you -- my father's knights are after you, and they want to bring back your head. My parents just wouldn't listen to me! I tried to explain . . ." Her voice became a trail of sobs.

Zlartinpole put one wing around Princess Marigold, and drew her close to his side. "It's not your fault," he said as he tried to comfort her.

Just then one of the king's men appeared out of the darkness, holding a bright torch. "Princess Marigold! Princess Marigold!" he yelled in his loudest voice. "Get away from that monstrous beast!"

"He's not...... he's not...... " the princess sobbed, before Zlartinpole gently pushed her away.

"Run home quickly Princess Marigold! It is not safe for you here," he said. Princess Marigold stole a quick, sad glance back at him, and then began running just as fast as she could back home to the castle.

King Mercer's knights slowly approached, one by one, until twenty of them surrounded Zlartinpole with their swords drawn. "You will not get away this time!" one of them growled.

"Don't try to escape!" bellowed another.

"You will no longer terrorize the land of Slodinbob!" yelled a third.

Zlartinpole saw what a difficult situation he was in, and began to get very scared. He got so scared, in fact, that all of a sudden from out of his nostrils came a loud:
"BOOM!"

and a cloud of smoke rose from where his flames hit the ground.

The knights first scattered, and then they all charged towards poor Zlartinpole!.

"CRACKLE! HISS!" went the flames as they hit the shield of one of the knights, promptly melting it into a silvery puddle.

The guards kept charging, and Zlartinpole kept breathing fire, trying his very best not to hurt anybody. This went on for quite some time, until all of a sudden, interrupting this ruckus came a loud shout of

"HALT!"

The guards instantly recognized this voice, and stopped in their tracks. There stood King Mercer, with Queen Melinda and Princess Marigold by his side. "I am so glad my prize horses got us here in time," King Mercer said, pointing towards the three golden steeds. "My darling Princess Marigold just told her mother and me exactly what happened to her today, how this dragon named Zlaten, ummm . . . Zlarted, ummm . . . "

"Zlartinpole," Princess Marigold whispered in her father's ear.

"How this dragon named Zlartinpole," the King continued, "rescued her from being lost in the woods. It was our terrible, terrible mistake to believe that this creature intends to harm Slodinbob. Men, please put your weapons away and return to the castle." The guards, as always, did exactly as the King commanded.

"As for you, Zlartinpole," began Queen Melinda, "we owe you our deepest apologies. We should have listened to Princess Marigold when she tried to explain earlier, and we should never have assumed you were so dangerous just because you are a dragon."

Zlartinpole's big green eyes filled with tears of gratitude, and the Princess Marigold gave her friend the dragon a big hug .

"Come back to the castle with us, Zlartinpole," King Mercer offered. "You can be our official guard dragon."

"Thank you so much for your generous offer, Sire," Zlartinpole said, "but I must decline. The forest is my home. It is where I feel safe and happy. I don't want to live anywhere else."

Princess Marigold looked especially disappointed. "Will I ever see you again?" she asked. "Please don't look so sad," he replied. "I promise that you will always be able to find me here."

By now, it was very late, and Princess Marigold, King Mercer, and Queen Melinda were very tired and had to go home to their castle. They all bade farewell to their new friend Zlartinpole, and promised to visit him in the forest very soon.

Zlartinpole waved goodbye to his friends then leapt into the air, flying higher than the tops of the tallest trees, and right into the clouds.

The End